Torn Between Two Worlds

It has been a surreal few months. The last 10 days especially have been an emotional roller coaster for me. There have been moments of intense joy with the weddings and also intense grief as we said goodbyes. What a ride this summer has been!  Watching both of our boys marrying their beautiful brides - 6 weeks apart - has been a gift.  Our time in the US - though difficult because we were here because of the Ebola crisis in Guinea - has been an incredible time of being with family, getting to know our daughters-in-law better (so easy to see why these two have captured our boys hearts), hanging out with friends and supporters, and several “professional development” opportunities. Wow - it has been crazy.

And now it is time to go home. Just thinking about it brings SUCH a flood of emotions.  Home - where our friends are and our life is. Home in the bush of Africa - where it is hot, and sometimes hard and overwhelming - but also where our “other friends” live- both ex-pats and nationals, where we are graciously swept into their community - where life is messy and amazing and challenging and rewarding and fulfilling and maddening - all at once.

But when I am there, I am not here. Not here to share holidays and meals with our kids and the rest of our families. Not here to say - “Hey, can we run over and take you out for supper?”  Not here for our kids to say -“ Hey, can we spend the night tonight?”  Not here, near - but so very far away from those lost moments. Not here to share birthdays and to watch our boys grow as men and husbands. Not here to grab time with our parents and siblings  Not here to spend the weekends with our nieces and nephews - stolen moments of hugs and snuggles and I love yous

- as they grow up way too fast.

But when I am here, I am not there. Not there to hear - we are naming our baby and we want you to come and celebrate. Not there to help bring life into the world - life that may not have survived without the aide of someone with medical training.  Not there to hear - please help my child/husband/wife - they have suffered for so long. Not there to hear - would you please come and help me on my farm. Not there to hear - would you pray with me?  Not there to celebrate and laugh and cry with our ex-pat friends - holidays, celebrations, and hard times alike.

So how do I live between two worlds - my heart torn between the two?  It is the price you pay, they say, for loving people on both sides of the world.  But it is hard - so hard. The intense emotions of joy, and grief, and love, and excitement, and sadness - all mixed up into one confusing mess of emotions.

I know that people wonder about us. Why do you do it?  they ask - both in verbal and non- verbal ways. It is hard to explain, unless you have been there.  Oh, there is the pat answer — it is what we are “called” to do. But that doesn't explain it totally. Yes, we are “called” - but we are also blessed by that crazy life. No words for it - really.

We had supper the other night with some friends/supporters who just returned from their first trip to Africa. They were gone a month and and had only been back for a week.  I watched as they struggled to explain what the experience had been like for them - watched as they would make

a statement about life there - hesitantly watching us to see if it would surprise or shock us - and we just nodded our heads in agreement to say - yes, that is how it is most days! I could see the signs - as they struggled to put words to their time there - the signs that Africa had “ruined” them

- in a good way. That seeing life in a developing, struggling country had changed them and how they look at life. My friend shook her head and said “ I don’t know HOW you do it - living over there all the time. But I can TOTALLY see WHY you do!”  For some reason, that was a comfort

To me - that someone saw - and understood - after even such a short time.  Even when I don’t always understand myself - and certainly struggle to explain it.

So, through the many tears I have shed over the past week, I am reminded how insanely we are blessed by this life we lead. Not many people get the privilege of doing what we do.  Not many people have two amazing worlds - full of great relationships and love and friendships.  How AWESOME is that! So the tears are worth it and the pain and grief is worth it - because of the intense joy and blessing that is mixed in as well.