Torn Between Two Worlds (Part 2)

The past few weeks, I have been thinking about this old blog post that I wrote as we prepared to return to Africa after our last home assignment.  The days on the calendar are moving by at an alarming rate - signaling our imminent return home - and away from the family that we love so deeply!  This has always been the case, of course.  The cost of an international calling always includes the emotional price that comes with goodbyes.  At this point, we have been either preparing for, departing for, or involved in overseas work for 14 years and goodbyes have never been easy.  But the cost feels like it is deepening - it is increasing and becoming more dear.  With the addition of daughters-in-laws, and grandbabies and aging parents (we are all aging!), and kids all in this side of the water, the price seems higher!  The joys of an expanding family are incredible - but that comes at a price.

And the cost is not ours alone to bear - it effects the whole family!  Missed holidays and celebrations and spontaneous meals and offers to babysit.  Missed snuggles with the girls and the joy of knowing that they recognize your voice and face! 

So it is a tension that is hard to resolve.  When is the cost too high?  How do you measure it? 

I am not sure I will ever know the answer.  But the only way that we can face it is to stay connected with Jesus - to listen for His voice and to seek His face and will.  We know that He promised to be with us and to help us bear a pain that he understood - separation from a Father that He loved as well.  And to fill in the holes in our hearts!  And to live with His Kingdom in mind!  And to remember that one day, there will be no more tears - no more sadness!

So if you are the one going, or the one staying - leaving behind family, kids, and grandkids - or sending them across the ocean - may God surround you with an enveloping sense of love, grace and purpose - and remind you that an international calling is NOT just about the ones going - that you are sacrificing as well!  May God fill in those spaces left by absent-for-a-time family members!  May your times together be rich and full - and overflow to encourage you when you are apart - soaking through your memories with laughter and fun and love.  May He give you a glimpse of the Kingdom work that you are a part of - of lives that are impacted because of your sacrifice!

TORN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS  (old blog post from 2015)

It has been a surreal few months. The last 10 days especially have been an emotional roller coaster for me. There have been moments of intense joy with the weddings and also intense grief as we said goodbyes. What a ride this summer has been! Watching both of our boys marrying their beautiful brides - 6 weeks apart - has been a gift. Our time in the US - though difficult because we were here because of the Ebola crisis in Guinea - has been an incredible time of being with family, getting to know our daughters-in-law better (so easy to see why these two have captured our boys hearts), hanging out with friends and supporters, and several “professional development” opportunities. Wow - it has been crazy.

And now it is time to go home. Just thinking about it brings SUCH a flood of emotions. Home - where our friends are and our life is. Home in the bush of Africa - where it is hot, and sometimes hard and overwhelming - but also where our “other friends” live- both ex-pats and nationals, where we are graciously swept into their community - where life is messy and amazing and challenging and rewarding and fulfilling and maddening - all at once.

But when I am there, I am not here. Not here to share holidays and meals with our kids and the rest of our families. Not here to say - “Hey, can we run over and take you out for supper?” Not here for our kids to say -“ Hey, can we spend the night tonight?” Not here, near - but so very far away from those lost moments. Not here to share birthdays and to watch our boys grow as men and husbands. Not here to grab time with our parents and siblings. Not here to spend the weekends with our nieces and nephews - stolen moments of hugs and snuggles and I love yous - as they grow up way too fast.

But when I am here, I am not there. Not there to hear - we are naming our baby and we want you to come and celebrate. Not there to help bring life into the world - life that may not have survived without the aid of someone with medical training. Not there to hear - please help my child/husband/wife - they have suffered for so long. Not there to hear - would you please come and help me on my farm. Not there to hear - would you pray with me? Not there to celebrate and laugh and cry with our ex-pat friends - holidays, celebrations, and hard times alike.

So how do I live between two worlds - my heart torn between the two? It is the price you pay, they say, for loving people on both sides of the world. But it is hard - so hard. The intense emotions of joy, and grief, and love, and excitement, and sadness - all mixed up into one confusing mess of emotions.

I know that people wonder about us. Why do you do it? they ask - both in verbal and non-verbal ways. It is hard to explain, unless you have been there. Oh, there is the pat answer — it is what we are “called” to do. But that doesn't explain it totally. Yes, we are “called” - but we are also blessed by that crazy life. No words for it - really.

We had supper the other night with some friends/supporters who just returned from their first trip to Africa. They were gone a month and had only been back for a week. I watched as they struggled to explain what the experience had been like for them - watched as they would make a statement about life there - hesitantly watching us to see if it would surprise or shock us - and we just nodded our heads in agreement to say - yes, that is how it is most days! I could see the signs - as they struggled to put words to their time there - the signs that Africa had “ruined” them - in a good way. That seeing life in a developing, struggling country had changed them and how they look at life. My friend shook her head and said “ I don’t know HOW you do it - living over there all the time. But I can TOTALLY see WHY you do!” For some reason, that was a comfort to me - that someone saw - and understood - after even such a short time. Even when I don’t always understand myself - and certainly struggle to explain it.

So, through the many tears I have shed over the past week, I am reminded how insanely we are blessed by this life we lead. Not many people get the privilege of doing what we do. Not many people have two amazing worlds - full of great relationships and love and friendships. How AWESOME is that! So the tears are worth it and the pain and grief is worth it - because of the intense joy and blessing that is mixed in as well. 

The Pain and Injustice of Polygamy

SPOILER ALERT: This is probably not the most "politically correct" blog posting you have ever read - so be forewarned.

I have not always been bothered by polygamy.  Growing up as a child in Africa, it seemed "normal" - at least for our national friends - and from my view as a little girl.  I never really gave it much thought.  This is chief so-and-so and his four wives....  OK, whatever.  Even as a teenager who was slightly more aware of the world outside the US than her friends, it seemed like it was just an accepted way of life.

Then I got married - and occasionally I would read or think about polygamy and think - I can't imagine.  But beyond that, I didn't really give it much thought.

Then I moved to Africa, and I saw it face to face - and I understood it in a different light - at least understood it to the best of my ability as a bystander and observer and I see a different side.  It isn't just a cultural norm - a way of doing things -  an accepted path in this part of the world.  It is painful and heartbreaking and it nearly kills me.

On the surface, of course, things can seem ok.  It can even seem good sometimes - for a woman whose husband has died - and needs someone to care for her and her family.  Women alone in this culture have no standing - and like it or not, they need to be associated with a man for protection, and provision.  But there must be another way.  Certainly, there are unmarried men around who are looking for a wife. 

I talk to the men - they tell me that it is ok... that the women like it ......that the women need each other to help each other with chores.....that it shares the work load.......that if your father had more than one wife, then you will too.....  no problem - they say.

And then I watch the women interacting and I hear them talking - I see the glances and I hear the whispers and I see them taking note of the gifts their husband gives the other wife or wives.....I hear them taking note of their co-wife entering their husband's hut at night.   I see the pain in their eyes and I hear it in their voices.  I don't care what culture you are in - I believe that God created women with a desire to be first in their husband's heart and mind - an IMPOSSIBILITY with polygamy.

I know what the women say with their mouths - Well, if my husband wants another wife, that is his decision.  I am fine with it.  He has already decided.  But when pressed, and in the quiet where no one else can hear - they confess - NO, I don't want him to take another wife.  But what can I do?

We are currently dealing with a couple who are good friends of ours.  He has had 4 wives total - 2 have died, 2 are still living.  At most times, he has had 2 at a time.  Most recently, an older widow in the village said that she wanted him to take her as a wife.  So he arranged it and then went to his wife - my friend - and said - this woman wants me to take her as a second wife - you ok with that?  

Apparently, my friend K said yes.  So he did too.

K is heart broken...and angry.  She said - I am the old thing - now he has a new wife.

I was confused.  I said - I thought you agreed with it. 

Her response - Listen, by the time he came to me, he had already made up his mind.  If I said no, it would shame him in the village.  He should have known I didn't want it.

So we sat down with the husband S and we asked him what happened.  I said to him - You have always said that 2 wives are hard - there is always fighting.  What happened?

His response - well, now when K is gone for a few days to another village, someone can cook for me and she doesn't have to worry about it.  It can help her.  Plus, I asked her permission and she said yes.  It is all ok - I took an older woman as a new wife - not a young teenager.  That would have caused problems.  But this is ok.

I was speechless - I wanted to ask what color the sky was in his pretend world where everything was ok.  Is he really that clueless and out of touch?  Actually, he probably is - it is not typical here to consider how a woman feels about things.  The fact that he even asked his wife K is unusual.

So here we are - stuck between a wife who was unable to say how she really felt - and a husband who was unable (like most men) to read his wife's mind and who grew up with the misperception that women were ok with polygamy - that in fact, it was a good thing for them.

And I can't even touch on the issues of STD's that occur here.

(I realize that it is not just here......women in other countries suffer with polygamy - or, as in the US, serial polygamy - where a man marries and divorces and remarries and divorces.)

And so I sit watching the whole thing from the sidelines - hurting and wanting to fix it all.

I want to shake the men and say - GET A CLUE!  This is not a gift to your wife.  She wants to be first and ONLY in your life.

And I want to shake the women and say - STAND UP AND TELL THE TRUTH! Help them to see and understand.

But I know it isnt simple - it will take generations.  I do what I can - I speak truth to the men on behalf of the women.  And I talk about my husband and my marriage - how thankful I am that Jim honors me as his only wife.  And I pray that the tradition changes.......