Fight the Good Fight

 

(Warning - this is another disclaimer for those who like to keep missionaries up on a pedestal…you might want to stop reading right now)

Confession time - I struggle sometimes to trust…. I struggle to trust that God is in control.  I struggle to trust that He knows what He is doing and what is best.  I struggle to trust that He has my best at heart and my kids’ best at heart.  I am not sure why that is.  I read my Bible some days and feel SO critical of the stories of the people who saw God doing miracles in their behalf, and yet they, in a seemingly short amount of time, return to trying to do things on their own.  It makes wonder - Don’t you remember what He just did for you?  Why do you doubt? 

Mind you, I have their whole story laid out - start to finish - in a neat little package.  But still, some of the things that God did for people was REALLY AMAZING.  You know, things like splitting big bodies of water in two, turning water into wine, feeding over 5000 with a little boy’s lunch, healing many people, and raising others from the dead.  Seriously!?!  How could you doubt after seeing and hearing about those things?

But then I think about my life and remember that God has done some fairly amazing things in my life as well.  Prayers that He has answered in miraculous ways - situations that He has redeemed for MY good, answers to prayers for friends and family, things that He has protected us from - and those are only the things I have seen with my own eyes.  I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that some day, I will truly understand ALL of the ways that He was working and directing and protecting.  But for now, I know that I only see a dim glimpse of what He is doing.  But even that glimpse is AMAZING proof that He loves me and my family.

Yet MANY times I circle back to doubt and fear.  Recently we had a situation with Kaleb wanting to sell his motorcycle.  He had been trying for months.  We had been praying for months.  But nothing was happening.  Now I realize that it is just a motorcycle - not a life and death kind of thing.  But it was a big thing in his life - and as his parents, a big thing for us.  We knew he wanted to sell it to have the money for other expenses he would face as a new husband.  God, I prayed, Kaleb is trying to honor you.  Please sell this cycle.  It sat parked outside in our driveway - day after day.  Cars would drive by, people would stop, and we would pray - God, let this be the one.  Nothing. 

Then one day, I was feeling discouraged and I shared that with my mom.  So Jim, Mom, Pierson (my 6 year old nephew) and I went out and prayed over the motorcycle.  An hour later, we got a call from Kaleb saying that someone was coming to look at the bike!  Amazing - an answer to prayer.  We were pumped.  The days passed, the lady came to look at it, and there was drama, drama, drama.  I won’t go into the whole story, but she never bought the motorcycle.  I was getting frustrated.  I thought, God, this seemed like the answer.  We prayed - and the lady called within an hour.  And yet it fell through. 

I struggled constantly to remind myself of a few things -

1. That God was in control

2. That He knew what He was doing - He sees the BIG picture

3. That there was something that God wanted us to learn

4. That God loves Kaleb adn Emily more than we do

Struggle was the operative word here - it was a fight.  I would pray and trust and then get frustrated and have to start the whole process over again.  I was frustrated with the motorcycle not selling, frustrated that the God of the universe wasn’t “helping” my son in the way I thought was best, frustrated with myself for knowing in my head that He knows best, but not trusting in my heart.  So much frustration - feeling that my faith should be deeper, feeling that God should step in!

And then I was driving and heard a song on the radio that talked about ‘“fighting the good fight”.  I have walked with Jesus for many years - and I have read that verse in 1 Timothy 6:12 that says - “fight the good fight for the true faith”  many times.  And that day it struck me - I think that the “good fight” entails, at least in part for me, struggling through these things.  It is ok that it is a fight for me - as long as I stay in the ring, so to speak.  God doesn’t love me less, even when it is a fight for me:

To trust Him

To be satisfied in Him

To believe even in my doubt

To struggle even when He has been SO faithful

I think that every time is gets a little easier - but it remains a fight for me.  A mental fight to focus on trust and faith….  such a mental fight.  Some days and some situations are easier than others…  but I am still in the ring - still fighting, still trusting…..