Torn Between Two Worlds

It has been a surreal few months. The last 10 days especially have been an emotional roller coaster for me. There have been moments of intense joy with the weddings and also intense grief as we said goodbyes. What a ride this summer has been!  Watching both of our boys marrying their beautiful brides - 6 weeks apart - has been a gift.  Our time in the US - though difficult because we were here because of the Ebola crisis in Guinea - has been an incredible time of being with family, getting to know our daughters-in-law better (so easy to see why these two have captured our boys hearts), hanging out with friends and supporters, and several “professional development” opportunities. Wow - it has been crazy.

And now it is time to go home. Just thinking about it brings SUCH a flood of emotions.  Home - where our friends are and our life is. Home in the bush of Africa - where it is hot, and sometimes hard and overwhelming - but also where our “other friends” live- both ex-pats and nationals, where we are graciously swept into their community - where life is messy and amazing and challenging and rewarding and fulfilling and maddening - all at once.

But when I am there, I am not here. Not here to share holidays and meals with our kids and the rest of our families. Not here to say - “Hey, can we run over and take you out for supper?”  Not here for our kids to say -“ Hey, can we spend the night tonight?”  Not here, near - but so very far away from those lost moments. Not here to share birthdays and to watch our boys grow as men and husbands. Not here to grab time with our parents and siblings  Not here to spend the weekends with our nieces and nephews - stolen moments of hugs and snuggles and I love yous

- as they grow up way too fast.

But when I am here, I am not there. Not there to hear - we are naming our baby and we want you to come and celebrate. Not there to help bring life into the world - life that may not have survived without the aide of someone with medical training.  Not there to hear - please help my child/husband/wife - they have suffered for so long. Not there to hear - would you please come and help me on my farm. Not there to hear - would you pray with me?  Not there to celebrate and laugh and cry with our ex-pat friends - holidays, celebrations, and hard times alike.

So how do I live between two worlds - my heart torn between the two?  It is the price you pay, they say, for loving people on both sides of the world.  But it is hard - so hard. The intense emotions of joy, and grief, and love, and excitement, and sadness - all mixed up into one confusing mess of emotions.

I know that people wonder about us. Why do you do it?  they ask - both in verbal and non- verbal ways. It is hard to explain, unless you have been there.  Oh, there is the pat answer — it is what we are “called” to do. But that doesn't explain it totally. Yes, we are “called” - but we are also blessed by that crazy life. No words for it - really.

We had supper the other night with some friends/supporters who just returned from their first trip to Africa. They were gone a month and and had only been back for a week.  I watched as they struggled to explain what the experience had been like for them - watched as they would make

a statement about life there - hesitantly watching us to see if it would surprise or shock us - and we just nodded our heads in agreement to say - yes, that is how it is most days! I could see the signs - as they struggled to put words to their time there - the signs that Africa had “ruined” them

- in a good way. That seeing life in a developing, struggling country had changed them and how they look at life. My friend shook her head and said “ I don’t know HOW you do it - living over there all the time. But I can TOTALLY see WHY you do!”  For some reason, that was a comfort

To me - that someone saw - and understood - after even such a short time.  Even when I don’t always understand myself - and certainly struggle to explain it.

So, through the many tears I have shed over the past week, I am reminded how insanely we are blessed by this life we lead. Not many people get the privilege of doing what we do.  Not many people have two amazing worlds - full of great relationships and love and friendships.  How AWESOME is that! So the tears are worth it and the pain and grief is worth it - because of the intense joy and blessing that is mixed in as well.

My Man

I was recently encouraged to write a blog post about Jim.  Many people hear lots about me and what I do - and they wanted more about my better half.  The problem is, I am not sure that I can write in one post all that Jim is and does in our marriage, our family and our ministry.

How can I describe life in Africa?  Unpredictable?  Challenging?  A crazy adventure?  Amazing?  What kind of husband would be crazy enough to travel this path beside me?

As a young teen, I thought I knew just what I wanted in a man.  Now, of course, being a teen, I was probably a bit more focused than I should of been on how he would look.  I DID put in the requisite “I want him to love Jesus” but I promptly moved on to more shallow characteristics - such as the color of his hair and eyes, and other equally important issues like how tall he would be compared to me (very important for wedding photos, etc).

When I look back now, it AMAZES me how God brought me a man who was just what I needed - even when I had my focus on slightly more trivial things.  He brought me someone who brings out the best in me and who complements my strengths in life and ministry like no one else could.

So many things about Jim are just what I (and our kids) need…..  he makes me laugh, he listens to this verbal processing woman (picture lots and lots of words) even though he likes to take time and contemplate things quietly, he balances my desire to over-function for my kids and my friends in the village, he protects me, loves me, believes in me, prays for and with me….. 

Our kids have lots to be thankful for - left to my own, they would have likely been wrapped in bubble wrap, sitting in a chair for safety, as opposed to climbing on roofs, swinging HIGH in trees, shooting bows and arrows and guns, and riding motorcycles.

In Guinea, our balance of strengths and weaknesses are even more stark.  So here are some things that I LOVE about him when I think about him on the other side of the pond.

1.  The man can fix just about anything.  He would say not - but seriously, he amazes me.  He is willing to try just about anything.  He always says - I have no idea what to do here.  And more often or not, he solves the problem.  And this without a Lowes, Home Depot, or truck mechanic anywhere in site.

2.  Jim is flexible and rolls with so much of what life throws at us.  His “can-do, we will adapt” attitude far surpasses mine.  I get a little more stressed when life doesn’t go as I hope/expect/plan.  Typically, it takes me MUCH longer to stop, and change direction mentally.

3.  He values people and spending time with them.  Don’t get me wrong - I LOVE people.  But I am also a very schedule/time driven girl.  I love lists and crossing things off of them.  I want to pack as many tasks into my day as possible.  So many things about life in Africa rubs that part of me the wrong way.  African culture is ALL about community and taking time for people.  It is sitting for long periods of time - chatting or just being together.  It seriously makes me insane some days.  I like to visit - but after about 10 minutes, my mind is off and running to the things I need to do, so I can do the other things I need to do.  It can be almost painful to sit and “waste” time.  

Now I FULLY realize that spending time with people is not “wasting” time - but it takes constant reminding (to myself) that this is true.  Jim sits and has coffee with our friends for hours - covering many topics.  He attends funerals and naming ceremonies.  He goes to the markets, and sits at people’s huts with them - chatting and greeting the people passing by.  HIs love for people and willingness to cover that part of living in community in Africa make it possible for me to treat the sick people that God brings to the clinic.

4.  Jim not only takes time with people, but he helps me with my work.  He comes to the clinic and visits with my patients.  He helps me in emergencies - like burns and accidents and snake bites and scorpion stings.  When I am suturing a laceration, he is there encouraging me and grabbing me supplies.  Blood doesn’t bother him.  When our stun gun quit working, he hooked a wire up to a motorcycle and shocked a snake bite that way - at 1 am!

5.  He looks for new ways to do things - new techniques for farming, new seeds to introduce, new ways to use what we have.

Jim is loved in the village - by the young kids who see this big white guy who is willing to take the time to talk with them, to the women who are amazed when a man thanks them for the work they are doing, to the middle aged people who love when he goes to their farms to help harvest peanuts or pull weeds or cut rice, to the old village men who love it when he comes and sits with them and takes time to listen to them.

I am INCREDIBLY blessed to be married to this man.  This is a wild adventure that we are on and God knew just who would make the best life partner for me!  I love you babe!

Fight the Good Fight

 

(Warning - this is another disclaimer for those who like to keep missionaries up on a pedestal…you might want to stop reading right now)

Confession time - I struggle sometimes to trust…. I struggle to trust that God is in control.  I struggle to trust that He knows what He is doing and what is best.  I struggle to trust that He has my best at heart and my kids’ best at heart.  I am not sure why that is.  I read my Bible some days and feel SO critical of the stories of the people who saw God doing miracles in their behalf, and yet they, in a seemingly short amount of time, return to trying to do things on their own.  It makes wonder - Don’t you remember what He just did for you?  Why do you doubt? 

Mind you, I have their whole story laid out - start to finish - in a neat little package.  But still, some of the things that God did for people was REALLY AMAZING.  You know, things like splitting big bodies of water in two, turning water into wine, feeding over 5000 with a little boy’s lunch, healing many people, and raising others from the dead.  Seriously!?!  How could you doubt after seeing and hearing about those things?

But then I think about my life and remember that God has done some fairly amazing things in my life as well.  Prayers that He has answered in miraculous ways - situations that He has redeemed for MY good, answers to prayers for friends and family, things that He has protected us from - and those are only the things I have seen with my own eyes.  I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that some day, I will truly understand ALL of the ways that He was working and directing and protecting.  But for now, I know that I only see a dim glimpse of what He is doing.  But even that glimpse is AMAZING proof that He loves me and my family.

Yet MANY times I circle back to doubt and fear.  Recently we had a situation with Kaleb wanting to sell his motorcycle.  He had been trying for months.  We had been praying for months.  But nothing was happening.  Now I realize that it is just a motorcycle - not a life and death kind of thing.  But it was a big thing in his life - and as his parents, a big thing for us.  We knew he wanted to sell it to have the money for other expenses he would face as a new husband.  God, I prayed, Kaleb is trying to honor you.  Please sell this cycle.  It sat parked outside in our driveway - day after day.  Cars would drive by, people would stop, and we would pray - God, let this be the one.  Nothing. 

Then one day, I was feeling discouraged and I shared that with my mom.  So Jim, Mom, Pierson (my 6 year old nephew) and I went out and prayed over the motorcycle.  An hour later, we got a call from Kaleb saying that someone was coming to look at the bike!  Amazing - an answer to prayer.  We were pumped.  The days passed, the lady came to look at it, and there was drama, drama, drama.  I won’t go into the whole story, but she never bought the motorcycle.  I was getting frustrated.  I thought, God, this seemed like the answer.  We prayed - and the lady called within an hour.  And yet it fell through. 

I struggled constantly to remind myself of a few things -

1. That God was in control

2. That He knew what He was doing - He sees the BIG picture

3. That there was something that God wanted us to learn

4. That God loves Kaleb adn Emily more than we do

Struggle was the operative word here - it was a fight.  I would pray and trust and then get frustrated and have to start the whole process over again.  I was frustrated with the motorcycle not selling, frustrated that the God of the universe wasn’t “helping” my son in the way I thought was best, frustrated with myself for knowing in my head that He knows best, but not trusting in my heart.  So much frustration - feeling that my faith should be deeper, feeling that God should step in!

And then I was driving and heard a song on the radio that talked about ‘“fighting the good fight”.  I have walked with Jesus for many years - and I have read that verse in 1 Timothy 6:12 that says - “fight the good fight for the true faith”  many times.  And that day it struck me - I think that the “good fight” entails, at least in part for me, struggling through these things.  It is ok that it is a fight for me - as long as I stay in the ring, so to speak.  God doesn’t love me less, even when it is a fight for me:

To trust Him

To be satisfied in Him

To believe even in my doubt

To struggle even when He has been SO faithful

I think that every time is gets a little easier - but it remains a fight for me.  A mental fight to focus on trust and faith….  such a mental fight.  Some days and some situations are easier than others…  but I am still in the ring - still fighting, still trusting…..