It Takes a Village

We have discovered in our time in Africa that family relationships have a whole new meaning here. I suppose it has something to do with the generally close proximity that families live to each other. Most kids grow up with numerous extended family members within a 5 minute walk. The villagers here don’t seem a bit confused by how everyone is connected, but frankly, it confounds me.

One problem is that we rarely see a father, mother, and all of their children together in one place. And who they call their children may not be someone who was born between a husband and wife. Namesakes can be called kids, as well as nieces and nephews. An aunt might be called a small mom and an uncle a small dad.

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me – someone will come to my porch asking for help with money. I will say to them, why don’t you go ask your father? He is dead, they will reply. Okay, what about your mother? She is dead too, is the answer. We go through the whole line – this person will appear to be an orphan. But the following week or month, they will come to me and say – did you hear that my dad (or mom) died? What??? I thought you didn’t have any parents left. Oh, they will say, this was my small dad, (or my small mom) that died! Um….okay.

Kids are often left in the care of grandparents. Many times it is grandpa or grandma who brings a sick child to me. Because women give birth in later years, I try to clarify – is this your child or your grandchild? Sometimes they think that is really funny – other times they act offended. Sometimes they seem really irritated that I can’t figure out who goes with whom. This week a woman said – Don’t you know that she is my grandkid? Sorry, not so much. I am trying so hard to figure out how everyone fits together….

Then you add to the mix wives and co-wives and it gets even more confusing. (On a sad note, the word for co-wife is, at least to my toddler ears, suspiciously close to the word for bucket, okra, and broom – so as a general rule I try to avoid saying it – in an effort to not embarrass someone – myself included! When referring to a co-wife, I say, you know, your husband’s other wife….)

Another interesting family dynamic is that children here belong to the husband. As it has been explained to me (here is your birds and bees lesson – Yalunka style), the man simply implants the entire baby into the woman and she is kind of just the incubator. Therefore, if a child is born out of wedlock – or a woman leaves her husband and returns to her family, the kids stay with dad – as long as they are weaned. They are his property.

Another issue we face is that many people have the same names here. So it is confusing to figure out who someone is referring to. They will be talking about someone and say – you know, Fanta. Since I know about 15 Fantas in town I need more to help me clarify it. So they will say something like – you know, Fanta, the one with the yellow husband who fell out of the tree the other week and broke his leg. Oh, that one……. We personally have names for people so we can tell them apart – we have Bread Foday, White Ali, Nice Teeth Kuta, Peanut Sana, etc. It is simply a way for us to clarify who is who. The villagers don’t have the same problem with us – since we are the only white people around.

I do love to see the interaction between people and it is so great for kids to grow up in close relationships with their families. Now if I could just plot everyone on a family tree……